Chapter 70: A Living Hua Tuo
“Namo. Amitabha. Tathagata. Tayata. Amritodbhave. Amrita. Siddhaṁ bhāve. Amrita. Vikrānte. Amrita. Vikrānta. Gāminī. Gagana. Kichita-kāli. Svaha…”
“May you who coughed soon be reincarnated, uh, no, may you soon recover. Well said, well said.”
After reciting the Rebirth Mantra, I stopped dwelling on this matter.
After all, this kind of thing is tied to karma. If she hadn’t squeezed me so hard, she wouldn’t have made me fart!
However, the next day, when I saw the news, Big Brother, I truly regretted it. If I had tried harder to grit my teeth and hold it in then, this wouldn’t have happened.
And now the news was showing a video of Big Brother farting on the bus, blowing the mouth of that fat girl wide open. It also said a reward for the culprit, with cash five thousand yuan for anyone providing clues.
I took one look and thought, what? How could this be so serious? I just couldn’t hold it in and let out one fart, that’s all.
This video was even starting to spread all over the network. I browsed through some comments and saw, cough cough cough, the way they described me, I was drunk.
“Holy crap! Is this buddy a fighter jet? Why is the exhaust so fierce?”
“So the ancients were not deceiving me, there really are people whose aura can cover mountains and rivers!”
“Wow! If it’s like this behind this guy, then?”
“Sister, I have a bold idea.”
“This is a senior brother from our sect, his main practice is qigong!”
“Holy crap! An immortal’s fart, truly extraordinary!”
…
Watching this made me sweat like a donkey.
However, after seeing this, I pondered for a moment and directly decided to turn myself in.
It wasn’t because my image was captured by the bus surveillance, nor because I was wanted on the news.
After all, Big Brother, as an immortal cultivator, is not the type to cause trouble and not admit it. What I did, I did, and I will definitely bear responsibility.
So, I voluntarily went to the local police station to surrender.
“Hello, comrade police, I am the culprit who made that fatty dizzy on the bus with a fart. I’m here to surrender.”
To my surprise, upon hearing my words, the two buddies on duty directly pulled out their “All beings are equal” finger and pointed at me, while also pinching their noses.
“Don’t move! Don’t move! Hands behind your head! Squat down!”
Seeing the panicked state of these two comrades, I was also taken aback. I thought, I didn’t kill her with my fart, did I? What are they doing? Why are they making it seem like I’m so dangerous?
After cooperating and squatting down, the two comrades found two gas masks, put them on, and then dared to come over and handcuff me. Damn!
They made me feel like some kind of biological weapon, was it necessary?
Later, while being detained, I found out that it was indeed necessary, because the fatty who was knocked unconscious still hadn’t woken up.
But since I’m here, I’ll make the best of it. Besides, I even took the time to divine a divination, and the divination showed that the fatty would not only be fine in the end, but would also benefit from this misfortune.
So, I settled down with peace of mind. After all, meditating is meditating wherever you are, and it’s the same here. I won’t be bothered by wind or rain, and they even provide food.
The main thing is that everyone here is a talent, they speak nicely, and they are very fun.
When I first came in, two ferocious idiots told me to stick to the wall and do a handstand, saying it was the rule here that newcomers had to do it.
I thought, alright, since there’s this kind of culture and custom, then Big Brother, I won’t pretend to be tough, I’ll go with the flow.
Damn it, after I’d been doing the handstand for less than two minutes, a kid suddenly came over and started rummaging in my pocket, and even asked if I had any cigarettes.
My god, only then did I react. This guy was trying to scare me, wasn’t he?
Speaking of which, am I the kind of cowardly person, Big Brother?
Thinking this, I immediately flipped over and stood up, and with a big sweep, I knocked the kid who was rummaging in my pocket out cold.
Then I followed up with a barrage of Wing Chun’s signature rapid-fire punches, and after knocking him down, I clamped his head between my legs and continued with another series.
“Ah! Da da da da da da da!”
After a whole set, the other people in the room were all stunned, and not one dared to come forward.
Damn those little punks,
I saw that the fight was about done, so I released the kid whose head I was clamping.
I directly struck a standard Ip Man squat stance, and looked at everyone with eyes like torches, saying:
“Wing Chun! Cao Chan Xin!”
Damn! After showing off this move, it felt so good. Some lit cigarettes for me, some massaged my shoulders, and some even performed “chrysanthemum to the sky” for me.
“That one, that one! Yes, I’m talking to you, you better hold it steady.”
“Go, give him a Hongtashan cigarette for his chrysanthemum.”
Upon hearing my command, the punk who had just lit a cigarette for me grinned mischievously, lit one, and inserted it into the chrysanthemum that I had just pointed at.
The owner of that chrysanthemum quickly stretched his face out from under his pants and thanked me,
“Thank you, Big Brother, thank you, Big Brother.”
I don’t know what’s wrong with these people.
Half a month passed in a flash, and the fatty finally woke up, and she had lost over a hundred catties.
What I didn’t expect was that she was like a completely changed person.
Not only was there no previous malice, but she had also become cultured and sensible.
She heard that I had surrendered and been arrested, and specifically came to the police station to get me out. She didn’t ask for any compensation, and even gave Big Brother a banner.
It read, Savior of the Obese!
The fatty seemed to have found a business opportunity and insisted on cooperating with me, saying she wanted to create a product for “slimming stars” by collecting Big Brother’s farts and selling them.
I thought, how do I have that function?
If I really had that function, my second brother Jin Buque would have been slimmed down by me long ago.
This was just a fluke, and this fatty happened to have a special physique, and inhaling my fart created a chemical reaction. I can’t claim to be some kind of ancestral slimming expert.
So, I politely declined, saying, “Uh, sister, actually, Big Brother is quite embarrassed that I made you dizzy with my fart. This, Big Brother is telling you the truth, my farts really don’t have that kind of power.”
Upon hearing this, the fatty thought I was being humble and quickly said,
“Brother, you are too humble saying that. Do you know how long this sister has been troubled by obesity? If it weren’t for your fart that day, I don’t think I would have had any chance to lose weight in my life. Brother, you are a living Hua Tuo, you gave me an opportunity to become thin. Sister doesn’t want to profit from you, I hope Brother, you can use this magical power to help more people who are troubled by obesity like I was.”
Well…
They say that when you try hard to plant flowers, they don’t bloom, but when you plant a willow unintentionally, it shades you. My fart has become your grandmother’s hero.
However, to avoid future trouble, and also fearing that special personnel might capture me for scientific research.
I firmly refused her. I didn’t even dare to ride the bus anymore. After leaving the police station, I took a taxi and ran away. Damn.
