Chapter 89: Presenting Old Zhu With An Abstract Birthday Gift, Freely Shifting Blame! 【 Seeking Monthly Ticket 】
While all the lower-ranking capital officials were still trying to figure out Zhang Biao’s thought process, Shen Lang was the first to react.
Without saying a word, he began to rummage through the cart piled high with loot, unsure what could be used as a congratulatory gift.
Finally, Sun Gui tremblingly held up the chamber pot lamp that had accompanied them through battles far and wide, its scent faint but its significance profound:
“Brother Biao, look at this ‘Light of Great Ming,’ it can illuminate His Majesty!”
“Vulgar!”
Zhang Biao waved his hand dismissively, his gaze sweeping across the cart, finally settling on the glistening Jinhua ham that had been confiscated from Duke Cao’s Mansion.
“This is it!”
Zhang Biao’s eyes lit up, and he pointed at the ham, so excited he was practically dancing:
“Ham, ham! Red and prosperous, may the Dragon Body be healthy and peaceful! What a great meaning! Let’s give this! Simple and unpretentious, yet down-to-earth, reflecting the most sincere blessings of us grassroots officials to His Majesty!”
Jiang Huan: “!!!”
All the Imperial Guards: “!!!”
Giving. Giving a ham as a congratulatory gift to the Emperor? And it was a ham stolen from Li Jinglong’s house?!
This wasn’t just a breach of etiquette, it was outright insult!
Jiang Huan’s hand returned to his sword hilt.
Zhang Biao, however, paid them no mind. He stepped forward personally, picked up the heavy ham, and even wiped away non-existent dust from its surface with his sleeve, looking extremely serious.
Then he shouted again, “Editor Li! Paper and pen, please!”
Li Mo quickly found some usable paper and a half-block of ink from a pile of miscellaneous items, confiscated from Li Jinglong’s home.
Zhang Biao temporarily handed the ham to Shen Lang to hold, then propped himself up on the side of the audit war chariot, spread out the paper, dipped his brush generously in ink, and began writing with flourish.
After finishing, he blew on the ink and nodded in satisfaction.
Next, he folded the extremely abstract memorial, then found a red string and carefully tied the memorial to the ham hock of the large ham.
Soon, the red string, the ham, and the memorial formed a bizarre picture.
It was so bizarre that it made everyone present’s eyes water.
Zhang Biao then solemnly held this ‘combined gift,’ walked up to Jiang Huan, whose face had turned as black as the bottom of a pot, and said with utmost sincerity:
“Commander Jiang, please trouble yourself to present this sincerity of my subordinates to His Majesty! The gift is modest, but the sentiment is profound. The content of the memorial is important, please have His Majesty read it personally!”
Jiang Huan looked at the ham with the memorial tied to it, unsure whether to take it or not, veins bulging on his forehead.
In his life, he had never handled such an absurd task.
Among the Imperial Guards behind him, some had already covered their faces, unable to bear watching.
Zhang Biao ignored them, shoved the ham into Jiang Huan’s arms, and then waved his hand grandly:
“Alright! The gift is delivered! Our mission is complete!”
“Brothers, let’s go! Next target, the Ministry of Works!”
“I heard the Ministry of Works is in charge of river projects, and there’s plenty of ‘oil’ to be had! Let’s go ‘audit’ their project funds!”
As he finished speaking, he led his men, ignoring the petrified Jiang Huan and the Imperial Guards, singing a ridiculous song and heading towards the Ministry of Works’ yamen, continuing their ‘mobile audit’ journey.
Meanwhile, Jiang Huan stood in the wind, holding the heavy, greasy Jinhua ham with its abstract memorial tied to it, utterly bewildered.
It was as if he were holding a bomb that could explode at any moment, standing frozen, his face ashen, caught in a dilemma.
How was he supposed to deliver this?
To whom?
The Emperor had just woken up; if he saw this thing and fainted again, who would be responsible?
He felt that in his decades of service as an Imperial Guard, he had never encountered such a thorny and absurd situation.
He was good at killing people, but dealing with this kind of abstract art was far beyond his scope of work.
Moreover, his attempt to stop Zhang Biao, at the risk of his own life, had already overstepped his bounds.
After all, he had only just learned that Old Zhu had awakened.
He hadn’t even had time to enter the palace to see Old Zhu before being shocked by Zhang Biao’s suicidal madness.
It wasn’t that he was worried about Zhang Biao, but about Old Zhu.
After all, Old Zhu had already been angered into unconsciousness by Zhang Biao three times. If Zhang Biao were to anger Old Zhu into unconsciousness again, he couldn’t imagine if Old Zhu would be able to wake up.
And if Old Zhu couldn’t wake up, who would manage the overall situation? Or rather, who would succeed to the throne of Great Ming?
Although these were not things that he, Jiang Huan, could consider, as one of Old Zhu’s hounds, it was his duty to protect his master loyally, and even if he were blamed by his master afterward, he had to stand in front of him at all costs.
“Commander Jiang—!”
Just as Jiang Huan was in a stalemate, even seriously contemplating whether he should ‘accidentally’ drop the ham into the moat, a sound of hurried footsteps approached.
It was the Left Censor-in-Chief of the Censorate, Zhan Hui, leading the Minister of Rites, Li Yuanming, the Minister of Justice, Xia Shu, and the Minister of Works, Zheng Ci, who arrived out of breath.
These three Ministers were the high-ranking officials who had not yet been audited.
They had come for two reasons: one, they had also heard the sound of the Jingyang Bell and rushed to complain to Old Zhu; second, they were gathering information on Zhang Biao, hoping to persuade Jiang Huan to stop Zhang Biao’s mad actions.
As for Zhan Hui, although he had been thoroughly cursed by Zhang Biao, he was still not giving up. Especially now that Old Zhu had woken up, he would definitely defend his dignity and absolutely could not let a subordinate intimidate him.
Otherwise, how could he still have the face to manage the Censorate and the Ministry of Personnel?
Wouldn’t that make a laughingstock of him among his subordinates?
However, as they arrived panting, they saw Jiang Huan standing foolishly outside the palace gate with a large ham, looking comical and ridiculous.
“Commander Jiang, you…”
Zhan Hui and the others were taken aback at first, then their gazes swept over the audit war chariot that was gradually moving away, making clanging noises, and they suddenly understood most of it.
“Commander Jiang!”
Zhan Hui stepped forward first, with an appropriate look of concern and official authority on his face: “Was that madman Zhang Biao making a disturbance here just now? Have you apprehended him? This scoundrel is lawless and cannot be tolerated any longer!”
His words were righteous and stern, as if the one who had been cursed by Zhang Biao and dared not speak, silently making way, wasn’t him.
The Minister of Rites, Li Yuanming, also stroked his beard, looking concerned for the nation and its people: “Indeed, Commander Jiang, such a rebellious fellow, storming the palace and disturbing His Majesty’s repose, is truly unforgivable! He should be apprehended immediately and brought to justice!”
The Minister of Justice, Xia Shu, habitually offered his professional opinion: “According to the laws of Great Ming, assaulting the palace is tantamount to plotting rebellion and can be executed on the spot! Commander Jiang, why have you not acted yet?”
His gaze towards Jiang Huan even carried a hint of suspicion.
Although the Minister of Works, Zheng Ci, did not speak, his eyes also conveyed a sense of urging: ‘Hurry up and arrest him.’
After all, Zhang Biao’s next target was his Ministry of Works.
Even though he had already instructed his subordinates to be on high alert and to fortify their defenses, he was still somewhat uneasy.
Jiang Huan, looking at these ministers who were being wise after the event and speaking without consequence, felt a wave of disgust.
Act? Execute?
If you’re so capable, then do it yourselves!
Why didn’t any of you dare to be so tough when Zhang Biao was here?
Now that he’s gone, you’re here telling me what to do?
What right do you have to teach me how to do my job?!
He suppressed the urge to roll his eyes, his face remained expressionless, and his voice was flat and devoid of emotion:
“It is fortunate that you all have arrived. Censor Zhang did not storm the palace. He merely delivered a congratulatory gift and a memorial, stating that it was to celebrate His Majesty’s recovery and to report the results of today’s ‘audit’ work.”
As he finished speaking, he glanced at the four of them again, his gaze finally settling on Zhan Hui, and he pushed the ham with the memorial tied to it forward:
“As the Commander of the Imperial Guard, my duty is to guard the palace, and I cannot leave without authorization. Since Censor-in-Chief Zhan is here, and this item is a congratulatory gift with a memorial from a subordinate of the Censorate, it is most appropriate for the Censorate to present it to His Majesty.”
“I will trouble Censor-in-Chief Zhan.”
Having said that, without giving Zhan Hui a chance to react, he skillfully and forcefully placed the salty-smelling ham firmly into Zhan Hui’s arms.
Zhan Hui: “!!!”
He instinctively caught it, and the heavy, greasy feeling made him almost want to throw it away.
A congratulatory gift? A ham?!
A memorial? Tied to a ham?!
And it was from Zhang Biao?!
What in the world was this?!
Zhan Hui’s face immediately turned green, his arms holding the ham stiff as if he were holding a viper, not food.
The other Ministers, Li Yuanming, Xia Shu, and Zheng Ci, all took half a step back, as if avoiding a plague, their eyes wide with horror as they looked at the item in Zhan Hui’s arms.
They had been too busy scolding Jiang Huan and hadn’t looked closely at the item. Now that they saw it clearly, they found it utterly absurd and their scalps tingled.
For the head of the Censorate to hold a ham and present it as a gift to the Emperor?
The scene was too beautiful to imagine!
“Commander Jiang! This item is probably not appropriate, is it?!”
Zhan Hui’s voice had changed pitch, and he tried to push the ham back: “What kind of propriety is this! It should be presented directly by the Imperial Guard…”
Swish!
Jiang Huan suddenly took a step back, skillfully dodging, his tone still calm but undeniably firm:
“The Imperial Guard is only responsible for guarding and announcing. Presenting documents and gifts is not our duty. As the chief official of the Censorate, it is only right for you, Censor-in-Chief Zhan, to present the memorial of your subordinate.”
He paused, then added, a killing blow to the heart:
“Moreover, Censor Zhang explicitly called it ‘reporting good news’ and congratulating His Majesty on his recovery. If we obstruct this, wouldn’t it appear that we do not wish for His Majesty’s well-being? Censor-in-Chief Zhan, what do you say?”
Damn it!
What a fine mess!
Zhan Hui was so angry he couldn’t speak, holding the ham with the memorial, he couldn’t throw it away, nor could he hold onto it, feeling so embarrassed that he wished he could crawl into a crack in the earth.
Li Yuanming, Xia Shu, and Zheng Ci all lowered their gazes, pretending to examine the cracks in the ground, their earlier indignation completely vanished.
Whoever wanted to wade into this muddy water could do so; they certainly wouldn’t touch it.
Jiang Huan sneered at their cowardly demeanor and cupped his hands again: “This is a sensitive area of the palace, and I cannot stay long. Esteemed sirs, I still need to patrol the defenses. Farewell.”
With that, he didn’t give Zhan Hui another chance to refuse and turned away, leading the Imperial Guards to quickly withdraw from this place of trouble, leaving as fast as a rabbit.
Only Zhan Hui was left holding the damned ham, lost in thought in the cold wind.
Li Yuanming and the other two exchanged glances and coughed twice:
“Ahem, Brother Zhan, since. Since the gift has been presented by you, shall we go and await an audience?”
“Yes, yes, Brother Zhan, thank you for your hard work!”
“Exactly! I must leave first. That scoundrel Zhang Biao is heading to my Ministry of Works!!”
Before their words had even fallen, the three of them had fled faster than Jiang Huan, disappearing in an instant.
Zhan Hui stood alone, holding the ham, gazing at the palace gate so close, feeling the weight in his hands as if it were a thousand pounds.
He could already see the Emperor’s enraged expression upon seeing this thing, and hear the roar, “Drag him out and execute him!”
“Zhang Biao! I curse your ancestors—!”
Zhan Hui let out a silent, desperate roar in his heart.
Finally, under the strange gazes of the guards at the gate, Zhan Hui, with a tragic feeling of “the wind howls and the Yi River is cold, the brave warrior departs and never returns,” braced himself and, step by heavy step, shuffled towards Huagai Hall.
With every step, he felt as if the ham in his arms were a red-hot branding iron, burning his soul.
He had never imagined in his life that he, the dignified Left Censor-in-Chief of the Censorate and Minister of Personnel, would one day hold a ham like a cook to meet the Emperor.
Zhang Biao, I’m not done with you!
But what was written in this memorial? He wanted to look but dared not.
Seeking monthly tickets! My benefactors, there will be an additional chapter tonight for monthly ticket holders. Don’t ask if your vote will lead to an extra chapter; if you vote, there will definitely be one~
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