Chapter 100:
Lu Ziyan painfully closed his eyes.
His short life was truly ridiculous. He thought himself smarter than anyone, devising strategies, indulging in the games of the imperial court, manipulating people’s hearts at will.
The young lady he loved was already in his arms, yet others wouldn’t let him live a peaceful life. Constant assassinations and frames forced him to chase higher power and fame.
He hid his weakness very well; no one could discover it.
Even this silly young lady herself was fooled.
He always felt he had arranged everything perfectly.
Those two women were from the Lu Family second wife, while his Wanwan was the Young Lord’s Consort; no one would dare offend her.
As long as she was willing, she could completely ignore them; no one could disturb her peace.
As for the several Madams of the Lu Family, out of making amends, they would only be gentler to her; her days in the back courtyard wouldn’t be hard.
But there were always things he couldn’t predict, like Liu Manrou making such a provocative move, or Lu Xiyao’s cold words to her.
And the several Madams of the Lu Family, their overt and covert reprimands.
If not for those dreams accompanying her side, witnessing all her experiences, he wouldn’t even know how much grievance this young lady suffered in places he didn’t know.
It was only when everything was beyond remedy that he knew what a grave mistake it was, what regret beyond remedy meant.
For those five years, he lived day and night in pain and regret.
There were too many things needing regret; he regretted countless times why he didn’t directly take her to the Northern Frontier Battlefield.
Why leave her alone in the Lu Family, making her endure hardship in the family temple.
The most important treasure should be kept within sight, at a distance where he could embrace her anytime.
She was so innocent, without any vigilance, how could she know that others’ goodwill might carry deadly malice.
“Wanwan,” Lu Ziyan stared intently at her, giving her a miserable smile, “I truly love you to death; no one will ever love you more than I do.”
These words he once thought weak and clingy now felt natural when spoken.
Sincere and heartfelt, every word dripping with blood.
But Xie Wanning stubbornly got goosebumps all over.
Such a proud man, even in their most affectionate newlywed period, had never said a single sweet word.
The most outrageous thing he did was hold her in his arms, kissing her over and over, taciturn yet wanting to mark her entire body.
Back then, her temperament was still a bit lively; when annoyed by his kisses, she’d kick and hit, but he’d pin her in his arms and thrust into her again and again.
Many times, she was held so tight she couldn’t breathe, yet he still kissed her.
But even in such intimacy, he never said a single affectionate word.
He had never said he loved her.
His affection in actions was also ambiguous; apart from the intense demands on the bed, whenever she felt he wasn’t indifferent to her, he’d quickly do something else to tell her she was overthinking.
But now, he said to her.
No one would love her more than he did.
The person’s eyes opposite reddened, faintly shimmering with crystalline tears; Xie Wanning glanced once and quickly looked away.
Her heart was in turmoil.
When she first confirmed the dream was real, she had wavered and hated, but those absurd memories belonged only to her.
She was like a hysteric patient; those tragic memories were uniquely hers.
She guarded those painful lessons, wanting to stay away from him.
Facing his questioning, she couldn’t say anything or do anything.
Because he wasn’t the person from the dream; wrongs had their perpetrator, debts their owner—she couldn’t pin it on him.
But now, he remembered too.
Those dreams were indeed their shared experiences, not her fantasy.
The unwillingness and resentment she had suppressed deep in her heart finally broke the seal and surged out together.
But what did he say?
His beloved was her, from beginning to end only her; instead, those humiliations and cold treatments she firmly believed in weren’t real.
He refused to tell her anything, hid everything from her, letting her misunderstand, doubt, and fall into heartbroken despair.
In the end, he said those weren’t real.
If these were the truth, what about her unwillingness and pain?
She even lost her life for it!
Xie Wanning’s nose tingled with sourness; she blinked rapidly to hold back tears.
“But I died,” she murmured, “What you say now is meaningless, Lu Ziyan. The me who loved you was tortured to death by you step by step.”
Stagnation of the heart, spiritual injury leading to short life.
Finally forced by him to spit blood and die.
This was the consequence she got for loving him.
Too tragic; how could she dare look back?
The word ‘die’ was lightly said by her, and Lu Ziyan’s eyes suddenly darkened.
“You didn’t die from suffocation from anger, nor from stagnation of the heart,” touching the most painful memory in his heart, his hand on the table trembled uncontrollably, his throat emitting a hoarse tone.
“You died from poisoning…” He couldn’t hold back anymore, grasping her hand, “It’s still my fault; I didn’t make you vigilant against Lu Xiyao, letting you fall into her scheme.”
Lu Xiyao!
“She poisoned me?” Xie Wanning was shocked, momentarily forgetting to struggle from his touch; thinking, her eyes widened bit by bit, “That bracelet?”
“Yes,” Lu Ziyan nodded gently, “that bracelet.”
He squeezed her stiff fingertips to comfort her, “Don’t be afraid; I’ve already made her pay the price. All who harmed you won’t have a good end.”
“Impossible,” Xie Wanning shook her head repeatedly, unable to accept this fact, stunned as she asked: “Why would she harm me? I treated her like a sister, never offended her, no conflict of interest with her—what reason did she have to take my life!”
She and Lu Xiyao had once been handkerchief friends whispering heartfelt words in the same bed; even if later the other showed undisguised malice for unknown reasons, she didn’t believe Lu Xiyao really wanted to kill her.
A boudoir young lady; the cruelest methods she’d seen were just punishing servants—resorting to poisoning…
Lu Ziyan gripped her hand tightly, red-eyed with a mocking smile.
“She said she liked me.”
“…”
Xie Wanning stared at him blankly, her mind exploding with a boom.
“Absurd!” She stood up in shock, “She’s your own younger sister!”
“Yes, truly absurd!” Lu Ziyan wasn’t feeling better than her; gritting his teeth, he said: “But that’s the fact Lu Xiyao admitted herself. Not long after our wedding, she knew I wasn’t the Lu Family’s blood son.”
He had already nipped all crises he could think of in the bud ahead of time.
He guarded against women of the inner chambers developing murderous intent from jealousy, but he guarded against those two women from the second wife.
He never imagined his treated-as-blood younger sister would, for such an absurd reason, be used by villains to take his Wanwan’s life.
Before this, he hadn’t discovered any clues.
“That bracelet hid the Western Regions secret poison Seven Heart Attraction, seeping into flesh through the skin, merging into organs. Apart from loss of appetite and restless sleep, no other symptoms, so from the pulse, it could only diagnose stagnation of the heart.”
The bracelet had Western Regions secret poison.
Under Lu Xiyao’s inducement, she wore it day and night without removing it for over a month.
So, her cause of death wasn’t suffocation from anger; those days of persistent wind-chill illness on the sickbed weren’t from stagnation of the heart either.
But because the Seven Heart Attraction poison had penetrated her organs, tormented by poison into sleeplessness and loss of appetite, her body weakened, emaciated to skin and bones, needing just one last straw to death.
That straw was exactly what he gave.
Her spitting that mouthful of blood and never waking again was the nightmare that appeared every time Lu Ziyan closed his eyes in those five years.
Thinking of it drove him mad; hating it made him wish for death.
His heart pain ailment was contracted this way.
This ailment seemed to awaken with the awakening of memories.
Lu Ziyan’s face was pale as a ghost from pain, but his gaze fixed tightly on her, unwilling to blink, pupils faintly showing neurotic fervor.
He also stood up, leaning close in a low voice, coaxing her gently, “Don’t be unhappy; I’ve made all who bullied you pay the price.”
Receiving too much information, Xie Wanning was somewhat dazed; when he leaned close, she instinctively retreated a bit.
Hearing his words, she was stunned, then sneered, “What about you?”
She looked up at the man before her, “Don’t you think you’re the one who needs to take responsibility most for my death?”
Even if what he said was true, he had his helplessness, his reasons.
But his cold treatment of her, his favoritism toward Liu Manrou were indisputable facts in her eyes.
Those harms were real; she personally watched him elevate another woman to the skies, their child to the skies.
Watched that woman occasionally flaunt her happiness and sweetness before her.
He gave another woman everything he could give.
Favor, offspring, status.
They were the affectionate family, while she was the Main Wife without favor or child, casually locked in the family temple for months without visitors.
Of course, these only made her despair, not lose her life.
But for her death, could he escape responsibility?
If he hadn’t been so self-righteously good to her, if he could give her more trust, not shoulder everything alone, reveal a little to her.
If she knew his dangers, knew his intent in arranging her to the family temple, would she not let Lu Xiyao in, not treasure so much the bit of goodwill Lu Xiyao gave out of loneliness, wearing that bracelet on her wrist.
If so, she wouldn’t fall into such a scheme, dying unclearly.
Even, stepping back ten thousand steps, if not for him unwittingly stirring his own younger sister’s heart, Lu Xiyao wouldn’t have poisoned out of jealousy, wanting her life.
In short, for her death, he couldn’t escape involvement.
Lu Ziyan thought the same; hearing her questioning, not only not angry, but deeply agreeing as he nodded, his face showing a strange expression.
Like pain, like laughter, faintly mad.
Xie Wanning’s heart trembled at the sight, then heard him say, “I’ve paid the price too.”
“You know,” Lu Ziyan took a deep breath, smiled at her, gently said: “For whole five years, every day you wouldn’t wake was punishment to me.”
Between life and death, his mind held only her.
When the person could no longer wake, he lived like a walking dead; apart from revenge, no vitality.
No one but himself would know how he spent those five years alone.
Xie Wanning was stunned; she blinked stiffly, suddenly enlightened by his earlier words, retreating several steps in horror, “Have you gone mad!”
Mad?
The smile on Lu Ziyan’s face slowly faded; he stared fixedly at her.
“I’ve been mad for a long time; every day you wouldn’t wake, I lived like a madman.”
Saying this, as if afraid to scare her, he smiled again, gently: “I’ve already punished myself; if you’re not satisfied, do whatever you want with me, okay?”
“You deserved it!” Xie Wanning suppressed her fear, gritting her teeth, “Everything is what you deserved; no matter how painful or sad you are, you deserved it—even death you deserve!”
Word by word, cold and heartless.
Lu Ziyan stood in place, watching the young lady eagerly fleeing.
He endured heartbreak, laid bare everything, feeling himself a pitiful wretch, but her face was full of panic and resistance, fearful expression.
No concern.
No heartache.
Nor any moved emotion.
She really seemed not to care about him at all anymore.
Their past entanglements of resentment or deep affection had turned the page for her, returned to calm, leaving him alone in the story, living as a madman.
Lu Ziyan’s face was ghastly pale, his outstretched hand slowly withdrawn, as if unable to bear, his body swaying, supporting himself on the table to barely stand, but his gaze still stubbornly fixed on her.
Supporting himself on the table, tilting his head to look at her, in his reddened eyes, teardrops slid down his high nose bridge.
This was the first time Xie Wanning saw him cry with her own eyes.
Before, when he seemed to shed tears, he’d bury his face in her palm or her neck.
This time, he just looked at her, tears streaming down.
As the tears fell, her lips pursed tightly, inexplicably surging with anger.
“Crying like that—what, you feel aggrieved now?” She glared at him hatefully, “Make it clear: I don’t owe you anything.”
It was he who owed her; no matter his hardships, he owed her.
She married him full of affection, only to get humiliation, abandonment, and death.
“Do you remember how you treated me?” A cold smile at her lips, “On our wedding night, you told me you’d bring Liu Manrou into the manor in a few days, formally raising her as a concubine.”
Saying such on the wedding night was stepping a Main Wife’s face underfoot.
To arrange Liu Manrou into the second wife, did he have to use a method that hurt her?
Ultimately, because he didn’t care about her feelings.
Certain and confident that she loved him foolishly, so she should endure such harm.
He didn’t need to worry for her; anyway, she was an obedient and well-behaved silly young lady.
Lu Ziyan’s lips trembled; he tried to retort but couldn’t make a sound for a long time.
Xie Wanning’s smile grew colder, “Later, when Liu Manrou was pregnant, how did you treat me?”
Recently writing about the past life, exhausted; I substituted into Lu Ziyan’s perspective, often writing a long segment then editing and deleting, very time-consuming.
This is the most laborious book I’ve written; the previous sweet short story flowed with thousands of words, this one squeezes out even hundreds of words like toothpaste, every dialogue and inner thought written with great effort.
Fortunately, the past life plot is mostly explained.
Before starting the book, chatting with the editor about character setups and plot, the editor said Lu Ziyan would get heavily criticized, but fans would find him very appealing.
He’s a character I created; I don’t hate him—his past life was truly pitiful… no spoilers for now.
Also, whispering: really no one likes Lu Ziyan?
