Chapter 14: Heart Not My Own
The days to come.
I and Cheng Huaishi will surely have many days to come.
I smiled faintly, carrying all my pain, and slept the most peaceful sleep since coming to the Cheng Residence.
At the hour of the ox, the wind rose, stirring the red gauze curtains. I got up and tucked in the corner of the quilt.
I heard Cheng Huaishi cry out, “I can’t, I can’t… She is my wife, I cannot wrong her, she is such a good woman…”
A ripple suddenly stirred in my heart as I looked at him.
His eyes were tightly shut, and his brow seemed shrouded in deep sorrow.
So he was dreaming.
“It is fated, it is fated. I must treat my wife well,” he murmured.
Calm returned to the tent.
I lay down and looked at the man beside me.
Even in his dreams, he knew clearly what he had to do and what he should do.
What did his “cannot” refer to?
He was resisting with such pain.
The Buddha said, suffering comes from desire.
If there is no desire, where does suffering come from?
The next day, early in the morning, the Cheng Residence began to bustle about. Firstly, the Eldest Young Master and his wife were going to Jizhou to take up their posts; secondly, Cheng Huaishi was going to Qionglin Academy to study. The servants were packing their luggage.
From the East Courtyard, they took boxes of vessels and daily necessities. The Eldest Young Mistress insisted on taking her thousand-work stepped bed, but the Eldest Young Master, citing the inconvenience of carrying it by boat, managed to dissuade her after several attempts.
From the West Courtyard, they took boxes of Cheng Huaishi’s books. Besides the Books of Sages such as the Doctrine of the Mean and the Analects, there were also poems and essays he had composed with scholars in the past.
The Old Madam stood in the courtyard, sometimes giving instructions to the Eldest Young Master, and sometimes to Cheng Huaishi.
At noon, the entire family went to the ferry terminal to see them off.
Snow began to fall from the sky.
It was the first snow in Yangzhou Prefecture since the beginning of winter this year.
White snow fell like cranes, and a clear wind blew into my sleeves.
The sky was clear and the ground cold, the wind whistling around the hem of my clothes.
Cheng Huaishi bowed deeply to me and said, “My aged mother and the household affairs have all been a burden to you, Madam. If I can achieve success in the spring imperial examinations next year, I will surely come with a grand procession to welcome you.”
I helped him up. I had many words I wanted to say, but my eyes welled up with tears first. After a thousand thoughts, I only managed to say, “Take care.”
The Old Madam wiped her tears and said to Cheng Huaishi, “My son, the Cheng family has aspired to scholarship since your great-grandfather’s generation, but your father chose the path of martial arts. I only hope you can restore the family’s prestige. While studying diligently, also take care of your health. Outside, keep your lamp lit brightly at night, and do not strain your eyes. The food in the Northern Lands is different from Jiangnan; do not indulge in greasy food. If you encounter any difficulties, and need to spend silver, send word back…”
Cheng Huaishi nodded to each point, “Your son will obey your mother’s command.”
“A thousand days at home are good, but one day away is difficult. When you see Minister Zhang, you must be exceptionally careful, speak less, and learn more…”
The Old Madam had many more words to instruct, but the boatman had already begun to urge them.
Cheng Huaishi boarded the boat with reluctance.
In the vast expanse of snow, I watched him sail away. After a moment, I ran along the riverbank, shouting towards the boat, “Second Master, Second Master, remember to write!”
The snowflakes blurred my eyes, and I vaguely saw him nod at me.
I stopped, unable to move for a long time, until everyone from the manor had returned.
He Hua stood behind me and said, “Second Young Mistress, it’s time to go back.”
I turned around blankly, only to see two women standing behind a large willow tree not far away.
It was Miss Xun and her maidservant Rong’er.
Miss Xun gazed intently at the boat on the river until it disappeared.
I thought for a moment and walked towards her in the wind and snow.
In just half an hour, the ground was covered in white.
Dressed in a black robe, she appeared even more delicate in the icy, snowy landscape.
“Miss Xun, why didn’t you show yourself earlier?”
She finally turned her gaze to me and said leisurely, “True farewells are in the heart. Second Master must have known I was here. That is enough.”
A cold wind blew into my neck. I tightened my collar and asked, “Miss Xun, what are your plans for the future?”
She said leisurely, “Madam Cheng, what are your plans for the future?”
I replied, “As Xunzi said, superficial arguments are not as good as seeing the essence, and seeing the essence is not as good as seeing one’s proper role. As a wife of the Cheng family, I will naturally uphold my proper role, serve my mother-in-law, manage the household, and await Second Master’s return.”
“Return?” She smiled. “Yangzhou, a land of flourishing flowers and willows, a place of filth and profit, what is there worth returning for? Minister Zhang says that the Great Ming has five flaws: the arrogance and indulgence of the imperial clan, the incompetence and idleness of subordinate officials, the inertia of officialdom, the inadequate border defenses, and the severe shortage of finances. In the north, Mongols and Jurchens frequently raid the border; in the south, rebellions occur; the Yellow River repeatedly breaches its banks, often inundating dozens of counties. Minister Zhang is striving for good governance and reforming the laws. The Wanli New Policies are facing immense difficulties. The Imperial Court is in urgent need of capable individuals. The officials in Yangzhou only know how to dream of spring and autumn by the Grand Canal, lining their own pockets from top to bottom. The gentry and powerful families of Yangzhou have no regard for the nation, indulging in pleasure, and are already rotten beyond repair. It would be good for Second Master to become Minister Zhang’s right-hand man on this journey.”
“Miss Xun seems to have charted a path for Second Master. But have you ever considered what would happen if, one day, he met the same fate as Lord Xun?”
She shook her head. “Madam Cheng, have you heard a folk song? ‘For one mu of official land, seven dou are harvested; first, six dou are sent to the imperial court, leaving only one dou for marriage, causing people to grow old with sorrow.’ If it can make the world free from worry, what is there to fear in dying for oneself? Even Yi Tang, a mere woman, does not fear death.”
Yi Tang.
So her given name was Xun Yitang.
First meeting, I didn’t understand the meaning in her words; in the afternoon, deep affection fell like crabapples.
“Madam Cheng is an extremely fortunate woman.” She looked at me with a hint of loneliness in her eyes.
Perhaps she had originally thought that she and Cheng Huaishi were a natural match.
My appearance turned her hopes into bubbles.
With a marriage certificate from our elders, having bowed to heaven and earth and our ancestors, I am Cheng Huaishi’s lawfully wedded wife.
Her upbringing kept her at the distance of a close friend.
Her heart, however, was not her own.
“Unlike Miss Xun, I only wish for Second Master to live safely. Even if death is a form of heroism, preserving oneself is true skill. Cultivate your literary and martial arts, and sell them to the Emperor. You sell your skills, not your life.”
I did not wish to say anything more to her and got into the horse carriage with He Hua.
She said, “Madam Cheng does not understand him.”
I replied, “Miss Xun does not cherish him.”
Yangzhou City was draped in white.
In the horse carriage, He Hua saw that I was silent and, fearing I was disheartened, tried to comfort me, “Second Young Mistress, do not be angry.”
I opened the carriage curtain and looked at the falling snow outside, saying, “There is nothing to be angry about. Second Master is a man of good judgment.”
She hesitated for a moment and said, “What if this Miss Xun goes to seek refuge with Minister Zhang…”
She did not finish her sentence.
I gently patted her hand and said, “If between husband and wife there is no trust, and suspicion arises, life is long, how bitter it must be.”
I did not wish to speculate about Cheng Huaishi and Miss Xun.
To fall into the habit of being anxious about gains and losses.
Why bother.
I still say the same thing: whatever heaven gives me, I will hold onto it tightly.
Move forward, if you meet a mountain, open a path; if you meet water, build a bridge.
This sentence seemed to touch her heart.
She was silent for a long time and said, “Although Second Young Mistress is young, she is a very understanding person.”
The horse carriage passed a tea house.
He Hua lifted the carriage curtain.
A child, about three or four years old, was playing in the snow in front of the tea house.
She stared at the child for a long time.
A woman came out of the tea house and scooped up the child.
The child stretched out his chubby little hands, hugged the woman’s neck, and affectionately called out, “Mama.”
In Yangzhou Mandarin, “mama” means mother.
He Hua watched, and tears streamed down her usually indifferent face.
As the horse carriage gradually moved away, she finally withdrew her gaze with a sigh.
Seeing her like this, I asked, “That child is…”
“He is my son,” she said.
He Hua had been married before, I knew. But I didn’t know she had such a grown son being raised elsewhere.
All the way, she did not speak again, only kept her head down.
A moment later, the coachman said, “Second Young Mistress, this is bad. We lingered too long at the ferry terminal just now, and the city gates might be closing.”
I urged him to hurry.
However, when we reached the city gate, we saw several officials about to close it.
I said anxiously, “We must find a way to get into the city. If we have to stay outside the city, it will surely worry the Old Madam.”
Pulling back the carriage curtain, I saw a slender figure, leading a horse, negotiating with the gatekeeper.
He smiled, took out some silver, and quietly slipped it into the gatekeeper’s hand, saying, “My family has not yet returned to the city. Please wait a little longer. Thank you for your trouble.”
The gatekeeper weighed the silver and waved his hand, slowing down the officials who were closing the gate.
The coachman took advantage of this opportunity to enter the city.
Seeing the Cheng family’s horse carriage enter the city, the man turned, mounted his horse, and rode away.
I got out of the horse carriage and called out, “Young Master Qin!”
He dismounted.
He stood tall, with a graceful bearing.
I said, “I heard from Xiao Yin that last time I asked her to take money to the ferry terminal to send back to Dongchang Prefecture, your servant boy brought a lot of silver. I have been carrying that silver with me since I found out. Since you are here today, I accept your kindness. Please take back the silver.”
I handed out the silver, and he looked at me.
The evening wind was bleak.
Snow fell like flying flowers.
The drumbeats were urgent.
Human voices had ceased.
Yangzhou City seemed to have gone to sleep early.
He did not take the silver, but placed something into my hand.
