Chapter 64: Declaring Intentions
The moon in the sky was faint, the candlelight on the table swayed, the fleeting years slipped through my fingers, and the person on the couch drifted in and out of consciousness.
He understood my unspoken meaning.
There was surprise, joy, and a touch of melancholy.
“Sang Yu, you…” he looked at me.
I tucked away the long thoughts in my heart and smiled, “From now on, if your hands can’t hold a brush, I’ll write for you. If you can’t wield a sword, I’ll hide with you from swords. As long as you don’t dislike me, I’ll always be by your side.”
He quickly said, “Sang Yu, how could I dislike you? Last year, at the entrance of the Cheng Family’s warehouse, I told you that if you ever wanted to remarry, I would always be here. It’s just…”
He paused and carefully placed the painting he was holding in his left hand back on the table.
He lowered his head for a long while and said, “Sang Yu, I’ve waited for you for a long time. Or rather, I wasn’t waiting for you, but for my own inner demons to dissipate. I’m not afraid to tell you that before I met you on the boat, I never took anyone seriously. Born into wealth and prosperity in Jiangnan, a place of beauty and indulgence, I was unrestrained and wild from a young age. Growing up in the Qin Manor, I watched my father marry one concubine after another, and saw wealthy merchants and gentry frequenting prostitute houses, spending fortunes on courtesans. I used to think that all emotions in this world could be measured by money. I am the eldest son of the Qin Family, and my father never restricted my spending. I’ve also spent money on pleasure. I thought that in the future, I would just marry a shallow and innocent young lady from a suitable family to be a decoration, and then continue my dissolute life.”
“On the boat, I noticed you. You were wearing a slightly worn hemp cloth dress, holding a steamed bun, and eating with great concentration. Your eyes were colder than the winter water of the Grand Canal. You told the maidservant beside you to eat when hungry and sleep when tired, leaving no room for desire. When the bandits came, you didn’t cry out at all, remained unusually calm, and ran away. I was inexplicably curious about you. I had never met a woman like you. I followed you all the way. You twisted your ankle but didn’t stop running. Your cheeks were covered in cold sweat, but you never cried out in pain. Sang Yu, I’ve thought about it many times since, when did this woman who doesn’t cry out in pain enter my heart? Was it when you refused to let me treat your foot? When has the Eldest Young Master of Tiansheng Tower ever been refused? Was it when you told me that the bandits were colluding with my servant boy, helping me expose the internal traitor? The deep courtyards, the difficulty of guarding against internal traitors, my mother’s indifference, my father’s indulgence in wine and women, I was forced to mature early and contend with everyone. For the first time, someone helped me. You made me feel like I wasn’t alone.”
He smiled faintly as he spoke, and the scent of medicine wafted from his injured hand.
“A woman who doesn’t cry out in pain makes me want to cherish her.”
“I saw your marriage certificate. When I sent you off at the ferry terminal, I thought that the flutter of my heart at that moment was just a fleeting illusion of a chance encounter. I soon forgot about it. Not long after, as soon as I returned to Yangzhou, I heard the news of your husband’s death. You became a widow right after entering the marriage, bowing to a spirit tablet. I couldn’t help but go to see you. I thought you wouldn’t be so bitter. If I could give you a little sweetness, that would be good too.”
“You rejected me outright, calling me a lecher. That night, I went to the Hundred Flowers Pavilion out of spite. A lecher, so be it, I’m not indispensable. But I suddenly realized that everything had lost its luster and was different from before. I couldn’t explain what was different. It turns out that a person’s heart is actually very small. When the heart is empty, even looking at a sea of flowers still brings loneliness. When the heart is filled with someone, quietly thinking of her, even if you’re not by her side, the longing is beautiful.”
“Cheng Huaishi has returned. My longing became a kite, floating in the sky. I spent many days trying to forget. Later, I let myself go. I stopped forcing myself. Marital fate is predetermined. I only blame heaven, not you.”
“I did my best to save Cheng Huaishi, without any selfish motives. Sang Yu, do you understand what I meant by waiting now? I was waiting for the day when this infatuation of mine for you would dissipate. I hoped to truly stand by your side as a friend. But I never waited. I still like you, only you. Your steadfastness, bravery, boldness, meticulousness. Your photographic memory. Your forbearance and restraint. Everything about you is just right.”
“Life is unpredictable. You were divorced from the Cheng Family and became alone again. Sang Yu, I was afraid you would be adrift. I swear to heaven, I wasn’t happy because you were divorced. I was just sad. I know your heart must be full of bitterness. I stayed by your side, hoping to help you in any small way I could.”
“Merchants always expect returns. Only with you have I never thought of a return. Today, Wang Yuzhen attacked suddenly, and I didn’t have time to think. The moment I lunged towards you, I even felt a surge of joy. If I had died like Cheng Huaishi, would you have remembered me as you remember him?”
The lamp oil on the table ran out.
It extinguished.
The room was plunged into darkness.
Such darkness forgave the tears streaming down my face.
I picked up the lampstand, “I’ll go out and get some more lamp oil.”
“Sang Yu, don’t light the lamp. Open the window. The moonlight is enough.”
I thought for a moment, put down the lampstand, and opened the window.
The hazy moonlight was only visible for about thirty percent.
He said, “Sang Yu, I don’t want you to choose me out of guilt. I’d rather wait forever.”
“Mingxu.” I called out.
It was the first time I had called him that.
I admit I was selfish at this moment.
The raging fire at Peach Blossom Nunnery had passed long ago. But the wound in my heart was still bleeding. I couldn’t cross it, couldn’t move past it. There was always a dark abyss beside me, and in that abyss was Cheng Huaishi’s face.
I don’t want to harm the country or you.
Memories are like knives, cutting me day by day.
If only I could forget.
If only I could lift it.
I wanted to reach out and grasp an antidote.
To relieve me for the rest of my life.
The single word “Mingxu” made him very excited.
He forced himself, wanting to get up from the bed.
I said, “The mulberry tree is lush, its leaves are abundant. Having met my lord, how joyful it is. Mingxu, let me take care of you. It’s not out of guilt. It’s not out of debt of love.”
He didn’t say anything more.
He simply handed me half of a 《 Peach Blossom Stream 》 painting.
“Then, Sang Yu, I’ll wait for you to finish painting it.”
“Okay.”
I took it, got up, and returned to the manor.
He leaned against the doorframe and watched me leave. Just as I had leaned against the doorframe at the Cheng Residence to watch Cheng Huaishi leave.
“Sang Yu, see you tomorrow. See you early.”
I turned back, “Okay, see you early.”
The sparse moonlight filled the courtyard.
The scent of wine filled the courtyard.
Him standing there.
Me leaving.
What permeated between him and me was an impending intimacy.
The horse carriage stopped at the Zhu Residence.
I got out and walked into the Main Courtyard. As I was about to open the door, I heard movement inside.
I became alert and called for Hua Lian.
Hua Lian pushed the door open and a masked person suddenly jumped down from the beam.
Hua Lian immediately engaged the person in combat.
After a few rounds, Hua Lian said, “Owner, hurry and call for help! This thief is quite skilled!”
I looked at the masked person and said, “No need. Hua Lian, you go back to your room.”
Hua Lian looked at me, puzzled.
The person removed their veil and said, “Elder Sister recognized me.”
I reached out and tapped his forehead, “You’re back, no need to play tricks on your Elder Sister.”
It was Feng Gao.
He leaned close to me, examining me carefully, and said, “I haven’t seen Elder Sister for a long time. How have you been lately?”
I smiled, “I’m very well. I often think of you.”
“Those old fuddy-duddies in the Imperial Court are always clamoring for His Majesty to establish a Crown Prince. His Majesty refuses, so they use ancestral teachings to pressure him. His Majesty can’t argue with them, so he simply neglects his duties and doesn’t attend court. A large number of memorials are handed over to the Directorate of Ceremonial. I’m swamped. I’ve always wanted to come to Yangzhou, but I haven’t had the time.”
“It’s the current dynasty’s custom to establish the eldest son as Crown Prince. Why does His Majesty refuse to do so?”
He said, “His Majesty favors Consort Zheng and is waiting for Consort Zheng to give birth… Let’s not talk about this. Elder Sister, I came this time to tell you something.”
I ordered Hua Lian, “Go and bring some food.”
“Yes.” Hua Lian agreed and left.
I sat down on a chair by the window and said, “I didn’t eat dinner, so I’m hungry now. Dou Ya, you and Elder Sister can eat something together. We’ll talk while we eat.”
He sat beside me and casually asked, “How did Elder Sister get so busy?”
“Mingxu is injured. I’m taking care of him at the wine shop.”
He looked up.
A layer of mist settled in his phoenix eyes.
“Qin Mingxu?”
“Yes. Today, for me, he was poisoned by wolf poison. It was a close call.”
“Elder Sister has him staying at your own wine shop?”
“Yes. What’s wrong?”
I felt he was acting a bit strange.
Hua Lian brought several plates of pastries.
He picked one up and brought it to his lips, but hesitated to eat it, “It’s nothing. Elder Sister and Qin Mingxu are this close now?”
After speaking, he seemed to console himself, “It’s good that Elder Sister is no longer alone, it’s good…”
I looked at him and said, “Dou Ya, you just said you had something to tell me, what is it?”
His expression froze, but after a moment, he smiled again, “What could I have? I just wanted to say I missed Elder Sister.”
I ate a pastry and said, “If there’s something, don’t hide it from me.”
He thought for a moment and said, “Yes, I wanted to ask you, how is Mother?”
So he was talking about Cai Qingyao.
I breathed a sigh of relief, “She’s very well. I often stew the bird’s nest you sent for her.”
“I’ll go see her.”
He got up and was about to leave.
At the door, he turned back to look at me, “Elder Sister, are you happy?”
I was bewildered and nodded.
He smiled, a speck of starlight falling on his thin lips.
The mist in his eyes dissipated. A thousand twists and turns, and the light boat had passed ten thousand mountains.
“That’s good then.”
