Chapter 3: Activated New Functions?
“Zhang! Biao!!”
The Minister of Works roared, his voice cracking, “You have blasphemed against the Imperial Court! Insulted His Majesty! Your heart deserves to be dug out! Your crime warrants the extermination of nine generations of your family, Your Majesty!”
Zhang Biao, having just slid and drifted to a halt in front of the Minister of Works, tilted his head with an innocent expression, “Minister, what are you saying? Am I not demonstrating the superiority of the imperial road for you?”
“See how slippery it is!”
“If this were paved with white jade, imagine the scene during a rainy morning court session. Tsk, a collective slide and kneel? It would save the effort of bowing! It’s just a pity for the elderly, they might fall and get hurt. Hmm, would the medical expenses be on the Ministry of Works or on His Majesty?”
“Enough—!”
On the dragon throne, Zhu Yuanzhang’s wrath finally exploded.
He suddenly stood up, trembling with rage, pointing at Zhang Biao, who was still posing on the golden brick floor, and let out a hysterical roar, his voice cracking, “Monster! This is a monster manifesting in the world!!”
“Guards!!”
“Drag this monster who committed misconduct before the court and is feigning madness away!!”
“Lingchi—execute him!!”
“Slice him three thousand six hundred times! Not one cut short!! I want to see him become a skeleton with my own eyes!!”
“Execute him immediately! Be quick!”
“Understood!”
The Imperial Guard were genuinely excited this time.
Lingchi! A major event!
They pounced like wolves and tigers, their target squarely on Zhang Biao.
Upon hearing “Lingchi,” Zhang Biao’s smile froze.
“Holy crap! Old Zhu, you’re not playing fair! Using your ultimate move directly?!”
This method of death was too inhumane!
It ruined the experience!
Seeing the Imperial Guard about to grab him, Zhang Biao’s survival instinct erupted.
He ducked suddenly and shot out like a loach between two Imperial Guards.
His movements were even faster than when he was demonstrating.
“Protect His Majesty!”
A military officer shouted reflexively.
The scene instantly descended into chaos.
A figure in an undergarment, like a loach, darted back and forth on the smooth golden hall floor, sliding frantically.
A group of infuriated Imperial Guards chased behind, some of whom occasionally slipped and fell on their backsides.
“Stop him!”
“Don’t let him collide with the imperial carriage!”
“Ouch! Who stepped on me!”
“Slippery! So slippery!”
The Hall of Supreme Harmony had transformed into a large-scale ice skating rink.
The ministers panicked, dodging and weaving, fearing they would be bumped by this ‘monster’ or injured by the pursuing Imperial Guard.
Zhu Yuanzhang watched from the dragon throne, stunned, his blood pressure soaring.
Zhang Biao, enjoying the slide, was about to reach the doorway. In a moment of inspiration, he turned to the chaotic scene and the emperor, who was about to go mad on the dragon throne, and with all his might, roared his final, earth-shattering swan song:
“Your Majesty—!”
“How do you find my ‘Imperial Road Ice Skating Memorial’ effective?!”
“Isn’t it much more vivid than a dry memorial?!”
“If you think it’s not exciting enough—!”
“I can sing too! How about I perform the Great Ming Wonderful Tune for you?!”
“Pfft—!”
Finally, a minister from the Ministry of Rites couldn’t take the stimulation anymore, spat out a mouthful of blood, and fainted on the spot.
“Monster! Die!”
The most skilled Imperial Guard Battalion Commander, seizing the moment Zhang Biao paused to speak, lunged forward like a falling mountain, pinning Zhang Biao firmly onto the cold, smooth golden brick floor.
“Take him away! Execute him by Lingchi immediately!”
Zhu Yuanzhang’s roar carried a bloody undertone; he no longer wanted to look at this troublesome creature.
Zhang Biao, pinned down by seven or eight Imperial Guards piled on top of him like a human pyramid, couldn’t move.
He painstakingly turned his head, looking at Old Zhu on the dragon throne, radiating an aura of ‘I will grind your bones and scatter your ashes’. Although the process was a bit perilous, the outcome… seemed not bad?
He managed to force a smile and mouthed silently:
“Thank you, Your Majesty, for your grace. Next time I’ll perform… ‘Grand Plan’?”
The next moment, as the Imperial Guards lifted him like a pig for the Lunar New Year and escorted him to the execution ground to enjoy the three thousand six hundred cuts ‘service’—
Zhang Biao’s vision went black.
There was no pain, no fear.
Only a slight grumble about being executed by lingchi.
“Old Zhu, you’ve got me…”
On the hard plank bed of a cheap rental room.
Zhang Biao’s eyes snapped open, and he gasped for air, “Huff, huff… Stimulating! So stimulating! I almost messed up!”
He patted himself down, a lingering sense of dread, confirming all his parts were intact.
He raised his left arm.
A pure white countdown: 【167:59:59】
“Wow… seven days!”
Zhang Biao exclaimed, then noticed something unusual.
Because a new marker, 【0Kg】, suddenly appeared on his right arm.
“What is this? A new function has been activated?”
Zhang Biao was full of confusion but quickly realized what it meant. He shot up from the bed, overjoyed, “Kg should be a unit of weight, right? Could it be… I can transmigration between two worlds and bring things back?! Damn! I’m rich!!”
“This way, I’ll never have to live in a rental room again!”
“Alright, alright! I want to live in a big house! I want to drive a luxury car! I want beautiful white girls, black stockings, mini-skirts, and I want JK uniforms!”
“Grumble grumble~”
Just as Zhang Biao was envisioning his ascent to the peak of his life, his stomach suddenly rumbled.
“Uh, forget it… I should fill my stomach first!”
Muttering reluctantly, Zhang Biao took out his mobile phone again and opened the takeout app.
“The monthly payment is due, and my card is almost out of money. Sour fish, braised pork with potatoes, shredded chicken cold noodles… I can’t afford any of them.”
Zhang Biao stroked his chin, his eyes gleaming with the light of destitution, “Maybe… I should try something new? I heard a new snail noodle place opened? It’s a bit smelly… but they say it’s cheap?”
He decisively typed in “snail noodles” and, looking at the picture of red oil, rich sauce, and pickled bamboo shoots and bean curd, his mouth almost watered.
“Heh heh, Old Zhu, you can get angry in the Hall of Supreme Harmony! My snail noodle holiday has begun!”
Inside the Hall of Supreme Harmony, it was a mess.
The ministers were still recovering from the shock, some adjusting their hats, others rubbing their waists.
On the ground lay the Minister of Rites who had vomited blood and fainted, being carried out in a flurry.
On the golden brick floor, a few faint scuff marks from Zhang Biao’s slides still remained.
On the dragon throne, Zhu Yuanzhang’s chest heaved violently, his complexion shifting from red to white, then from white to green.
He looked at the ministers being carried out, at the chaotic court, at the blue official robe of a censor that had been stepped on multiple times, and the two lone official boots on the ground.
“Monster…”
His lips trembled as he squeezed out two words from between his teeth, his vision blurring.
“Your… Your Majesty, please quell your anger! Take care of your imperial body!” the Director of Ceremonial pleaded with a tearful voice.
Zhu Yuanzhang suddenly grabbed a heavy jade paperweight from the dragon desk and, with all his might, smashed it fiercely towards the spot where Zhang Biao’s official robe had been.
“Bang—!” The jade paperweight shattered.
A shallow pit was even created in the golden bricks.
“Investigate!!”
Zhu Yuanzhang’s roar was filled with endless fury and a trace of imperceptible fear, “Investigate his ancestors for eighteen generations!!”
