Chapter 86: This Is What You Call Professional! 【 Seeking Monthly Ticket 】
“Did you hear? Censor Zhang and the others had a meal at Duke Cao’s Mansion!”
“More than just a meal! I heard they even raided Duke Cao’s luxurious mansion!”
“Gasp! Didn’t Duke Li go mad from anger?!”
“This… this is truly an unprecedented event!”
All the nobles and officials who heard the news plunged into immense panic and a sense of absurdity once more.
They threw a victory banquet at the victim’s house after raiding his home?
This wasn’t just slapping someone in the face; it was like pressing Li Jinglong’s face into the ground and then scrubbing it with hot pot broth!
Meanwhile, at the Marquis of Wuding’s Mansion, which also received this astonishing news, the atmosphere was even more tense than within the Imperial Palace.
Not only was the mansion gate bolted with the thickest wooden bars, but sandbags were piled up behind it, and household generals were even instructed to prepare kerosene and rolling logs, giving the impression of ‘if the madman dares to come, we’ll perish together.’
And Guo Ying himself lay on a brocade couch, covered by three layers of brocade blankets, with a wet towel draped over his forehead, groaning and acting more committed than a truly dying patient.
“Oh dear…”
“Oh my…”
“I’m not going to make it… I’m dizzy, my vision is blurry… I have heart palpitations and shortness of breath… I fear I won’t survive tonight…”
His moans were intermittent, full of sincerity.
His sons and household members gathered by his bedside, their expressions complex, worried about their father’s health and even more about the madman who might storm in at any moment.
“Father, please rest assured. No matter how mad Zhang Biao is, he can’t possibly break into a sick man’s house…”
“Nonsense!”
The eldest son’s words were cut short by Guo Ying’s weak interruption.
“What can’t that madman do?! Is Fu Youwen not sick? Is Ru Chang not sick? Li Jinglong is almost driven mad by him! And what was the result? Didn’t they still get their houses raided and have a meal together?!”
Guo Ying became more agitated as he spoke, almost shaking off the towel. He quickly resumed his weak groans:
“Oh dear… Just thinking of him makes my heart ache…”
Just then, the butler rushed in, rolling and scrambling, his face as pale as paper:
“Marquis… Marquis! He’s here! He’s here!”
“What?! So soon?!”
Guo Ying stiffened abruptly, then with a nimbleness unbefitting an old man, he ‘slid’ back under the covers, his head completely buried. His voice came muffled from under the quilt, trembling:
“Just… just say I’m in a coma! Critically ill! Seeing no one! Especially that man named Zhang!”
The butler’s face was a picture of misery: “We said that, but… but Censor Zhang said…”
“What did he say?” the eldest son asked urgently.
“He said…”
The butler swallowed and painstakingly mimicked Zhang Biao’s tone:
“The old Marquis is ill? What a coincidence! This Censor is a hereditary traditional Chinese medicine doctor, specializing in all sorts of difficult ailments! Especially good at treating the old Marquis’s kind of heart condition! Open the door quickly, let this Censor give the Marquis a few needles, and the illness will be cured!'”
Guo Ying shivered under the covers upon hearing this.
Needles?
What kind of needles would that madman use?
Could it be an iron rod needle?!
“I’m not opening it! I’ll die before I open it!”
Guo Ying screamed from under the covers.
However, Zhang Biao outside clearly wasn’t going to be easily deterred.
Then came several loud “bang, bang” sounds, as if someone was forcefully banging on the door, accompanied by Sun Gui’s raspy voice shouting:
“Old Marquis—! Open the door—!”
“Brother Biao has brought a team of divine doctors for a consultation—!”
“It’s free! No charge—!”
Immediately after, Shen Lang’s voice rang out, accompanied by the clattering of an abacus:
“According to market prices, a visit from an Imperial Physician costs at least ten taels! Brother Biao is personally leading the team this time, a luxurious team, worth at least a hundred taels! Old Marquis, you’re getting a bargain!”
Li Mo’s voice also joined the chorus:
“Is the Marquis’s ailment superficial, or in the intestines, or due to a weak heart? Let this student analyze the wall!”
“Creak, creak—!”
The sound of rocks grinding against the wall came from outside again.
Guo Ying shivered with anger under the covers; these people were truly the stars of his misfortune.
The pounding on the door, the scraping against the wall, and the clamor continued unabated, attracting many curious neighbors to point and whisper.
“Oh, what’s happening at the Marquis of Wuding’s Mansion?”
“I heard the old Marquis is ill, and Censor Zhang brought people to see him for free!”
“Censor Zhang is truly a living Bodhisattva! He even treats illnesses?”
“I don’t know, it looks quite lively…”
The discussions from outside drifted in, and Guo Ying’s old face felt like it was about to fall off.
He, a noble of generations, was about to be trapped in his home and become a laughingstock for everyone?
Just as he was filled with shame and indignation, the pounding on the door suddenly stopped.
Guo Ying had just let out half a breath of relief when he heard Zhang Biao’s voice become clearer, as if he were shouting to the surrounding crowd:
“Fellow neighbors! The old Marquis is gravely ill, yet he has sealed his mansion and refused medical treatment! As his colleagues, how can we stand by and do nothing?!”
“This Censor suspects that the Marquis is not ill, but is being held hostage by scoundrels within the mansion! Or perhaps he has fallen into a madness that cannot be revealed to others! To prevent any accidents from happening to the Marquis, this Censor has decided to implement an emergency rescue procedure!”
Guo Ying was stunned upon hearing this speech.
Being held hostage? Had fallen into madness? An emergency rescue procedure? What did this madman want to do now?!
He found out in the next second.
Zhang Biao roared, “Department Director Sun! The ladder! Commander Jiang isn’t helping, so we’ll go up ourselves!”
“Alright, Brother Biao!”
A flurry of footsteps and the sound of a ladder being set up came from outside.
Guo Ying’s eldest son rushed to the window and his face turned green: “Father! They’re setting up a ladder to climb the wall!”
“What?!”
Guo Ying shot up from his covers, forgetting all about pretending to be ill. Barefoot, he rushed to the window.
On top of the wall, Sun Gui was precariously holding up the ever-present chamber pot lamp for light, while Zhang Biao was nimbly climbing up, followed by several lower-ranking capital officials carrying something.
“Rebellion! Rebellion! This is utter rebellion!”
Guo Ying’s beard trembled with anger: “Where are the arrows?! Bring me arrows! I’m going to shoot these scoundrels to death!”
The household general looked troubled: “Marquis, shooting an official appointed by the court is a serious crime…”
Moreover, so many commoners were watching from below.
Just then, Zhang Biao had climbed to the top of the wall, straddling the eaves, waving towards Guo Ying’s window with the smile of a helpful neighbor:
“Oh! Old Marquis! You can get out of bed now? It seems your illness has greatly improved! But don’t worry, since we’re here, we’ll give you a comprehensive check-up to consolidate the effects of the treatment!”
After speaking, he didn’t wait for Guo Ying’s reply and shouted down, “Brothers! Hoist the medical equipment up!”
The people below responded and began hoisting things up with ropes.
Several large sacks emitting a strong herbal scent were hoisted up, along with a small stove, and what looked like a set of acupuncture needles?
And even an axe that looked like it was used for chopping firewood?!
Guo Ying watched these strange objects being brought up to the wall, his eyelids twitching. An extremely ominous premonition enveloped him.
“Zhang Biao! What exactly do you want?!” Guo Ying’s voice was filled with terror.
“To treat your illness!”
Zhang Biao said righteously, picking up the bag of ‘silver needles’ and pulling out the longest one. He held it up against the sunlight and examined it, its cold gleam flashing:
“I see the old Marquis’s illness is caused by blocked qi and blood, with evil wind invading the body. You need to have some blood let, and then a few needles to clear the meridians!”
He then pointed to the sacks of herbs: “These are all potent tonics! Angelica, astragalus, ginseng… I’ll stew you a ‘ten-great-tonic soup’! I guarantee it will cure you!”
Finally, he weighed the axe in his hand, a benevolent smile appearing on his face:
“Of course, if needles and medicine don’t work, we have one last resort. The ‘Break the Cauldrons and Sink the Boats’ therapy! Also known as using poison to fight poison. Wherever it hurts, we’ll chop there, stimulating the acupoints will do the trick!”
Guo Ying looked at the long, thumb-thick ‘silver needle’ and imagined what it would feel like to have it jabbed into him.
Then, smelling the peculiar herbal scent, he imagined the decoction made from who-knows-what, and finally his gaze settled on the gleaming axe…
“Aaaargh—!”
The old Marquis let out a piercing scream, not faked, but genuinely terrified.
He could already see himself being held down by Zhang Biao and pricked like a hedgehog, forced to drink a bellyful of strange soup, and then even having to be chopped twice with an axe.
This wasn’t treating an illness!
This was clearly torture! This was murder!
“No! I don’t want needles! I won’t drink the medicine! And I definitely don’t want the axe!”
Guo Ying clutched his head, completely broken:
“I’m not sick! I was faking it, I was faking it! I’m not sick at all! I’m all better! All better now!”
To prove he wasn’t sick, he even jumped up and down in place, his movements so agile they were unlike an old man’s at all.
“Oh, old Marquis, your illness… seems to have healed quite quickly? It appears our audit therapy is more effective than the imperial physicians’ prescriptions!”
“Since you’re well, shall we discuss business? The salary you owe, the excessively made tribute paper, the undeclared medicinal materials, and, shouldn’t we settle the old accounts from Poyang Lake?”
Guo Ying looked at Zhang Biao’s smug face, then at the increasingly large crowd of onlookers and the distant, faintly visible Imperial Guard. He knew he was finished today.
His vision went black, his throat felt sweet, and he forcefully swallowed back a mouthful of blood, spitting out a few words from between his teeth: “You… win…!”
“Then…”
Zhang Biao dangled the iron rod needle in his hand: “Your mansion gate…”
“Open it! Open it immediately!”
Guo Ying roared at the people below with all his might:
“Quickly! Open the gate! Invite Censor Zhang in! Hurry!”
He was truly scared.
He was more afraid of being “treated” by this madman than having his house raided!
The heavy mansion gate was finally slowly opened.
Zhang Biao descended from the ladder with satisfaction, clapped his hands, and swaggered into the Marquis of Wuding’s Mansion with his medical team and those terrifying medical instruments.
Looking at Guo Ying, whose complexion was ruddy, movements free, though his legs were trembling from fear, Zhang Biao sighed:
“Alas, all my prepared equipment was for naught. Old Marquis, you see, the consultation fee, equipment wear and tear, and compensation for emotional distress…”
Guo Ying just wanted to send the plague god away and said hastily: “I’ll pay! I’ll pay it all! Name your price!”
Shen Lang immediately stepped forward, the abacus clicking: “The Marquis feigned illness, wasted top-tier medical resources, and frightened us. Based on a comprehensive assessment, the compensation amount is three thousand taels!”
Guo Ying’s mouth twitched, but looking at the bag of needles and the axe, he gritted his teeth and accepted: “Take it! I’ll give it!”
“Is it in silver or…”
Zhang Biao raised an eyebrow.
“Silver! Right away!”
Guo Ying almost shouted for the butler to fetch the money.
Soon, three thousand taels of silver were carried out.
Zhang Biao didn’t even look at it and said to Shen Lang: “Record it: Marquis of Wuding, Guo Ying, voluntarily donated three thousand taels of silver to fill the court’s fiscal deficit and compensate for unpaid wages. High level of awareness, commendation is in order!”
Guo Ying: “…”
What else could I say?!
This is what you call professionalism!
His objective achieved, Zhang Biao had no desire to linger. He called out, gathered his men and the silver, and prepared to leave.
Just as he reached the doorway, he turned back and grinned at Guo Ying, who was seeing him off like a plague god:
“Old Marquis, if you feel unwell again in the future, just give us a shout! My 《 acupuncture and axe therapy 》 package is always at your service! Next time, I’ll give you a 20% discount!”
Guo Ying shivered all over and almost knelt on the spot, waving his hands repeatedly: “Don’t trouble yourself! Don’t trouble yourself! My health is excellent! Excellent!”
Watching Zhang Biao and his party leave with the silver, Guo Ying collapsed on the threshold as if he had lost all his strength, tears streaming down his face.
“What a sin!!!”
